Dealing with it

It's been more than a year since i lost my brother in a car accident. October 2012 was that day. and all these days i have tried to deal with it. not that i am depressed, but matters like this are not easy to deal with. the thing is to keep yourself occupied with something else. think about some other stream of thoughts and totally avoid this one. that aint easy either. but you gotta do what you gotta do and move on in life. move on to what, i dont know. how do you move on to a part of life with so  much of change that happens over night. i was a casual guy; never taken things seriously in my whole life and i knew how to stay that way very well. i always had this feeling that i was the wandering type and he was the serious, home-type, family-and-relative-friendly guy. so i never thought about having to talk to my parents or my relatives openly. it was more like he did it for me. and there was a time when everyone i knew of accepted that fact. everyone had great expectations from him and he knew how to deliver them. he was also a very social person. could talk to anyone and make friends anywhere. i am exactly the opposite. so naturally his death has hit it hard for me. after all these days now when i look at it, his passing away has changed a lot of things for me. i feel there is so much responsibility now, which i totally hate from my guts. life feels a lot more heavier; sometimes lonelier. i get these vision sort of thing these days where i see my kids hanging around with their uncle and suddenly it stops, as if to remind me.  i dont know why i never had these kinda thoughts when he was alive. maybe it's just me making myself realise how much void space is there left in my life. my dad and mom keep talking that they are also gonna meet the end of their life sometime. i mean, they have suffered hard too..but yeah, i cant try to imagine how it would feel to lose a son. maybe even they want to leave from this world. you know, there is a certain point being in pain when you stop thinking about it and learn to accept it. it changes you in lot of ways. you learn to live in that pain and accept it as a part of you; more like its a physical weight that holds you together inside. its like a balloon crushed inside your palms. it holds you tight, makes you feel the pain, but then it is also what keeps you there and then you want it to end soon - pop the balloon. that's because is the only way to, sort of, ease that pain. there is no way getting out of it. of course you can pretend to avoid it, but it is still there. and no, this is not about me; this is about my parents. they feel this pain so hard that keep thinking about getting past it. they talk to me about it. i think its okay for them to feel that way. i understand it, sometimes.
i had heard somewhere that when someone you love dies, you cannot miss them cause missing means to expect it to come back sometime. that doesnt happen with death. there is no coming back. although i always hoped there was. yes, i did hope that all this would be a mass prank and my brother could some day come back. maybe i was watching too many vampire shows. or maybe after a certain time of dealing with this matter your mind actually starts to doubt  the reality of things. i should say it is a mental condition and i learnt to deal with it too. its the void space that creates all that pain i guess. like when someone so close to you passes away, and they leave so much of void space in your life and you dont know what to do with all that space coz no one else can fill it. its like, in your mind, you have these subconscious things that are planned for them and you dont even realize it until they are not with you anymore. maybe thats what causes these visions i have. but like i said, you have to deal with it. get occupied and stop thinking about it. but again, the thing with not thinking is that you begin to get this feeling that you are leaving them out of your life, and that they dont get the respect that they deserve. after all, memories are all that you have of people who are not with you, isnt it? i bought a dog to keep myself occupied. my brother used to love dogs. he once told me, when he was a kid, that prayed to god that he be reincarnated as a dog in his next life. sometimes seeing all that my dog does, i wonder if he really did!
So yeah, you gotta find ways to deal with it. am still in the process. the hard part is when your memories start to fade away. Yes, that happens. it is sad when in the end you cant remember the conversations you  had or the fight you last had or anything at all. maybe sometime later he will just be a figure in my mind who i would miss. memories tend to do that. they just fade away with time. but you gotta deal with that too. sometimes i start to think how long am i gonna be alive. i mean, who knows when you have your meeting set with the reaper. you just find him standing there, right infronta you and you think, am i dead already? i get those feelings at times. but you gotta deal with those too. like i said, am still in the process of dealing... sometime back i was checking out my contacts on whatsapp and i see the telecom company has given my brother's phone number to someone else now; someone i dont know. but i have that number saved on my brother's name. took some time for me to realize that the world has moved on. my brother is not a part of this world and its ways anymore. was really hard deleting that number from my phone. i felt like i have lost a whole part of something now. it was just a phone number. you see, this is how  memories fade. slips out somewhere...sands of time.